Día de los Muertos: Embracing Grief and Honoring Death with Laura Barrios (78)

It's happy when the day of the dead is coming, because you feel like you're gonna see them. No, you're not gonna see them physically, but you're gonna feel them. ["candles and.

Marigold Flowers"]. Have you ever seen colorful skulls, candles and marigold flowers pop up around Halloween and wondered what's that all about? Well, those are a few components of what might be my new favorite holiday, dia de los Martos. Even though this holiday isn't new at all, it's rooted in traditions from the Aztecs. I had heard of Dia de los Martos for years. I understood the general concepts around it, but this was the first year I have felt really pulled towards it and connected to it. So I thought it would be really special for us to have a conversation about Dia de los Martos with someone really special in my life who knows the most about the holiday in my circle Laura Barrios. But before we get started, let's take a moment to land here together with three deep breaths. So just take a moment to notice where your body makes contact with the earth, notice all points touching the earth and take a big breath in and then a big breath out Again. Inhale, fill your chest, fill your belly with air, exhale, open your mouth. Let it all go. One more. Inhale and exhale. Return to where you connect to the earth beneath you as you start to return to this physical space. Laura, thank you so much for being here. Do you mind sharing just a little bit about where you're from for the nurse?

I am from Merida Cotal, mexico, the south part of Mexico, and I just I was born there and I was raised there, so I came to the United States when I was 26 years old. So I'm pretty much, you know, pretty much know everything about my culture and you know I have, I've been, you know, with my family around and we have all the celebrations.

What Laura didn't mention is that when she moved to the US, she lived with my family and really helped raise my brother and my sister and I, and she is someone who really helps me feel more connected to elements of my Hispanic culture, which is why I couldn't think of anyone better to speak to about Dia de los Martos.

Dia de los Martos is more like healing, you know, because you remember the loved ones who have passed away, who died, and more than dead for us is like remember them all the time and being with them and with their spirit. So for us, dead is not like feeling bad, it's the opposite feeling like celebrate. Celebrate the year. You know they pass away, but they're still with us. Their soul is with us all the time.

Yeah, their body is gone, but you feel the connection to that.

And we, actually, when you are talking the elements, we do the four elements. When we, you know, when we celebrate the end because Dia de los Martos is more like we have we use the four elements. We use the water, the wind, the earth and the fire. So when you do the altar, all those four elements are complimenting in there. You know, with the four elements, it has to be plastic. So they were celebrating this before. You know it's a long time ago. It's not like a tradition because we got it from the Spaniards or something. Now this come from the Aztecs, because they are, yeah, they are the ones who you know celebrating. They know their soul, the spirit is here and that's what they did.

And when you were, saying before it's very associated with religion. Is it associated with like Aztec religion? Is it Catholicism? I feel like it was a mix there.

I cannot tell you 100%, but what I know is, you know, of course, Aztecs they believe that poor elements, they believe on those things, and all combined with the religion too, because we pray, you know, we pray for them, we use the elements we use, but at the same time we pray for them, we love them. So I will say that it was a combination there, you know, coming people, you know the Catholicism, coming to America and the Aztecs, Mayans living in, you know, in America is just like a combination there.

So it sounds like it was its origins were maybe very Aztec and then the Catholicism influence came and that's what's melted it into the tradition. It is today Macaulay Jessicaodia language. How do you do my sharing, like what you have done with the four elements?

Yeah, and like all the elements that will say the water, we will always put in the outer a glass of water, so you have to give them water to quench their thirst. Wind that's why we use papay-picado. You know the banners that we use, because the papay-picado it looks like when you put it you can feel in the wind that they're coming. The candles, of course, the candle. We always light up a candle for them when we put their pictures. We light up a candle because we have to. You know, light them to come so they can see you know that they're coming. And we usually my grandmother used to light the candles in a cross, so the cross will live in it, do you?

normally have a candle for each ancestor.

We do with a candle for each ancestor and we will make sure that it always will keep the candle. But on what do you say? Like, yeah, light and the earth. Of course the earth, because we live in the earth, we are, you know, we from the earth, we're coming and we're living and staying here. So those are the four elements they represent when we do El Dia de los Muertos, and I remember, you know, when I was little, always my grandmother getting prepared for this day, el Dia de los Muertos. We know the November 1st and November 2nd are the days that we celebrate the Dia de los Muertos. The first November 1st is for the little one. So I remember grandma, she has a little one to pass away, which you know, before it was like there was no like now, like medicine stuff. So you always are like you know, one of their kids died because they didn't make it through the labor or something like that. So they always have the November 1st for the little one. So they always, you know, we put the altar, we put like baby toys, we put the picture. If we don't have a picture of the baby, we just put the baby toys, we put like a baby bottle, a pacifier, things, that they represent the baby. And then November 2nd, it's for all of us, like adults and everybody, so this is when they come visit us, so we have to have the altar ready for them. So it's a, it's a very, it's a tradition, but it's more like about you know, knowing that they're never, even though that they're gone, they're not in our you know, not life. We're still remembering them.

So it's a way of like continuing that connection and that relationship with them.

I love that and although you know it's like I didn't. I never met my great grandparents, but I always see their picture in the altar. So it's kind of interesting to see how you know now that I'm an adult. And you know, when I was little I couldn't understand why do I have to have all those pictures in this art and I don't know these people. But now you know, when you are like an adult, where you get older, you know oh yeah, it's my ancestor. So always, you know, my grandmother wants to remember their parents and their grandparents. So you'll see many pictures in the altar. You don't even know who was in that picture, but it's because in order to answer stuff that they have died in and they're all being written in one.

That's a really cool way to let you get to know your lineage For people you didn't physically meet. But if it is that continued relationship through spirit, they're still a part of your life and that's a cool way to bridge that, because there are so many relatives that I have no idea.

It's interesting now that they can say well, kids, they never met my grandmother, but through the pictures they know who is their great-grandmother. And do you?

keep the altars up year-round, or do you set it up just for the two days? Well, in.

Mexico. Many people they do. Like my father, at home I don't have it. I always do it only for the day of the death, when the other was martyled, but like, for example, my father. My father has the altar at home for my mom who passed away long time ago, so the altar is always year-round it's there. So we change the flags, we change the candle the candle always has to be lit.

Always lit, even like at night, while people are sleeping and I remember that from my grandparents.

I was like why do they have to always have the candle lit? But now I know, because it's always like you are always lighting their way to come or if they want to be with you, and not even for the day of the death, you want to have them all the time.

So they can always find you. The light is kind of representing the ongoing connection. You know, my grandfather recently passed away and I was sitting with Wita which is what I call my grandmother at her house and all my cousins and uncles and aunts were there and we were celebrating a birthday like about a week after he had passed, which is hard and I was sitting with her and she was just like in a very somber, quiet mood, which I think is totally healthy and normal. She was just saying it's so different how we grieve here versus how we grieve in Mexico and I think she was really feeling. My perception of that is like I kind of associate Hispanic cultures as being like much more emotive and it's all out on the table. I feel like in the West we kind of suppress and hide and like put this face for people to see, when it's not really what we're feeling. I was wondering in your experience if you had noticed like a difference in the way that people grieve in Merida and Mexico. And and yes, here you can- see, you can see the difference.

Here is more like I feel like in Mexico, we never kind of we don't accept that this person is gone. Here is more like okay, he is there, he passed away. You know, it's not better life. He's with God or she's with God, and we understand that, but we just, we just feel like we kind of don't accept it. We just wanted to have them with us all the time. So it is hard for us to think they're gone. They're gone for real. But that's why I think, that's why it comes for this celebration, that everybody gets happy when, when day of the day is coming, because you feel like you're gonna see them. No, you're not gonna see them physically, but you're gonna feel them, you're gonna feel that they're gonna be with you. But yeah, it is hard for us, as I think in our culture, to accept that they're gone and I feel like that's the difference between the United States is more like okay, they're, they're gone, they're in a better life and that's it. They kind of close the chapter. We don't, we don't do that. We just it's hard for us to to to do that and we know that they're gone, they're in a better life and everything, but it's just, we just want to have them forever.

To be honest, like I think the way that you're expressing that continued relationship after death is more in line with how I've experienced it with the passing of my grandparents, my grandparents, it's like you know, my grandma Barbara died like not even a year ago, but I feel her maybe more deeply than I did before. When I'm like outside, like the leaves will blow a certain way or I'll see a certain bird, and it feels like, oh, like there you are, you're visiting me, or like the other day was my grandparents anniversary and I was just like sitting outside eating like a lunch that I think they would have liked, and was just like talking to them. And I think that is some of. I just would say like I don't think it's maybe that you'd accepted, but it's like, you see, that there is this continued relationship that doesn't it's not so black and white just the physical body doesn't define a person's life or your connection with them, because to me it's more about that spiritual connection that we have with one another that can continue when our thoughts are in here and you're right, it happens to me.

I mean, after my mouth buzzed away, I feel the same way. I feel like every time that I have a problem and everything, I always thinking about that and I always talking to her. I'm not just always getting the peace, send me your blessings, and so that kind of helps me and it gives me like a little piece of mind that I know that she's there and she's looking at me and she's listening to me.

So, yeah, it's very sentimental and we are looking at how Dia De Los Muertos is celebrated. You shared a lot about the altar and how that's such a beautiful connection. Do you mind sharing, kind of like, what those two days look like as a whole? Is it like you start in the morning and like the altar and then just the community do something? Or for someone who's unfamiliar, just like, what does that day look like at home? And then I would, after that I'll kind of lean into. I'm curious about how you've continued this tradition and celebration since coming.

Sure, well, everybody gets prepared before the November 1st, like around this time. People is getting prepared because they're gonna, people are starting to getting ready. You know, like, and it's different in every state. Each state of Mexico celebrates in a different way. We also celebrate Dia De Los Muertos, but everybody does it in different ways. Like, for example, I'm from Merida and we celebrate it one way. The rather my husband is from Mexico also, but he's from Zacatecas, and they celebrate in a different way. In my state, for example, we get ready because we know we're gonna cook some special type of foods which is called. It's like a type of like a tamal. It's like a tamal, it's big, and so they prepared that and they have, and when they prepared that, it has to be that type of food. Only we only made that food for this time of the year, for Dia De Los Muertos. You won't, you're not gonna see the same type of foods until next year. So we prepared that tamal, got it, so it's sacred. So, when you're talking about this type of tamal, which is called peeve P-I-B. Peeve in Maya, if I'm not wrong means like when you do the food on the ground, because this food has to be cooked on the ground. It's a tamal that we make. It's a big tamal, if you want to. I mean, that's how it looked like, but we have to cook it on the ground, so it has to be. We put the fire like the rocks, stuff like that, and they on the ground, that's it. So what they do, I guess have the food here mainly like this barbecue smoke. Oh, I don't know, I don't know. Yeah, that's it, that's it and they cook it. So we cook the peeve. So wait, this has to be cooked and prepared by November first. But what we do, we get ready for that. We get all the stuff from the store, from the market. Some people they like to go to little towns to get their food because in small towns they have all type of, all of the ingredients that you will need for that. So on that day we will, you know, part of the family gets ready for the altar. We fix the altar. We have to make sure we have the candles, we have the pictures for all of our loved ones that they pass away. We have to make sure we have flowers, the flowers, the senpa suchi. Senpa suchi is the yellow miracle, so that's the one that represents the Adelos Muertos. That flower is the flower that you will see everywhere in Mexico. And what we do, we have the flower, we have the candles, we have food. I mean, the food is getting prepared for our great, you know the people. Who knows how to cook that? Because honestly now, I don't even know how. It's a lot of preparation, it's delicious, but some part of the family gets ready with the altar and some part of the family just it's for peanut food. So when make sure on November 1st we have everything ready. Like I say, for the November 1st it's for the little ones. So we have toys, we have baby bottles, we have everything that will baby. You know will represent what the baby needs for that day. After that we have halal in the afternoon. We have to pray. We have to pray for before we eat. So we put in this case we put the food on the altar, we pray, we pray a rosary, we pray for our loved ones to pass away, we name them and then after that the whole family gets together and that will be for the first. For November 1st, november 2nd, we do that with all our family now, all the ones that pass away, little ones and adults. Grandmother used to put in the altar. We used to still do it. If my grandpa likes a type of beer or likes a type of wine or something you know, you will put it there for them. Grandma used to love hot chocolate, so now we put hot chocolate for her. My mom loves all type of you know, bread, pandemortos, tamales, fruits. You put everything that they like, not only what you cook, but what they used to like, some, you know, candy, all type of foods, whatever you name like if you like, I mean anything you put it on the altar for them. Yeah, after we pray, the next day we do, we say the prayer again and we all go together and eat the food that we put. So it is just you're having a celebration. You love ones are coming back. So it's the only two days that you're going to have them to, you know, to be with them, to celebrate with them.

So that's why we always so it sounds like it's kind of like a big family dinner where you like actively are like inviting your ancestors and holding space for their spirit to be a part of them.

Grandma used to put candles too. We don't do it, but, um, she used to put a candle behind the doors and we always asked the grandma, grandma, why don't you put candles behind the doors? And she said those candles are for the ones who don't have anybody to remember.

So all everyone is welcome. Since you have been in the US I mean it's been a while now do you do kind of the same tradition, or what has changed in the way you sell it? You?

like it. That I don't do. It's like, um, you know, cook one's like that. That was here and he said, well, let's cook the dough. And I said, well, it's a little bit hard here, but we can make it. So what we did is like we have the, we got everything here. You know, we tried to do as much as we can and then after that, we um, yeah, we baked it. We baked from the oven and it was good and actually it came out really good. So we got the, the whole after, right, the food, the candles, the flowers, everything. But what I do, I usually do here is just just to put an altar with the flowers, a candle and my loved ones, the pictures, and at the end, of course, I say a praying and say a prayer, rosary or something for them that will be the only thing.

Yeah, do you do some sort of meal without like the traditional tamal, or do you?

it's more the altar it is more the altar, but I put some type of foods too, I put like bread, or I put, you know, chocolate things for me to to get. Then I do it, that I do it. So yeah, and you know, it's just always. You want to keep the tradition because you don't want your kids to forget about you. Well, you've done that again, you can't remember me.

It's the wedding, yeah, and then they can keep knowing your mother and your grandmother and and through that they can kind of get to know who they are.

Yes, yes, so it is. It is more about remembering. You know your family, you have a family, you have ancestors. They just keep honoring them. You know, this is not a merry-go-round. In Sackatec, guys, my husband's, it's a little bit different. They don't. He said they don't put the altar. I believe they do, but maybe with his family they don't. But they go to the cemetery. So everything happens in the cemetery. So they go to the graves, the graveyard, and they do um, they clean the graveyard, they plant fresh flowers, they lay the candles, they eat with them. They will sit there and there's a lot, of, a lot of people go and just have, you know, like having a picnic at the cemetery. Well, it is different in each state, but you know, we all have the same need. Yeah, we need to celebrate our and not once we pass away.

I think that this might be my new favorite holiday. I think I'm gonna try to celebrate it.

Yes, yes and you know, like a lot of people, I remember they were like you know what, you know what? I don't know why you guys have all these skeletons and all these you know sugar skulls. Those are scary and you know. And I say, well, this is not about scary things, it's more about our tradition and it's more about the religion, because it comes with a lot of this, comes a lot with the religion. So for us there is not something to be afraid If our families, they died and they would try to heal. That way we're healing, remembering, honoring.

Yeah, you're healing by honoring that grief and not, you know, pretending it's not there that this, like constant ritual, gives you space to heal and bring your grief to the surface and celebrate the lives and, like you said, like, yeah, there's a lot of skulls, but it's so colorful and vibrant, and I think what you've been saying throughout this conversation is like it's about joy and celebrating these people, versus like mourning that they're not physically with you. It's celebrating that their spirit's with you during this time and always. So thank you so much for sharing with people about this special holiday and hopefully those listening may be there like threads of this that you can start to incorporate for Dia de los Muertos to honor your loved ones. I know I'm gonna start doing it and, laura, if you wanna make them all, I wish it out with you. We can do it. I love horror. Yeah, we can make you.

We don't have to do it all. Well, it was a pleasure being here with you. I'll share a little bit of Dia de los Muertos, and then you have any, I mean any chance to go during this time of the year to Mexico. And yet it is very, very interesting. It is.

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